Candlelight Moments: Basics of Wax Play

Author: Norische

Article link: https://thebdsmgarden*com/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=587&chapter=1

For many, wax play is one of the first experiences within the BDSM realm, this is also the reason that so many people end up getting accidentally hurt. All too often someone is watching a pornographic movie and sees someone drip wax on his or her partner and suddenly they are rummaging through their kitchen cabinets looking for a candle that they can experiment with. “It looked so easy in the movie…” or “The women in the movie seemed to really like it so…” are phrases the emergency room staff have undoubtedly heard time and time again. Although most individuals probably make up some story about accidentally dropping a candle on their naked genitals or knocking a candle over and splashing wax all over their bare back as they turned; having worked in an ER I myself heard a few excuses such as these, although you honestly are suspicious about the method of the injury the means is always quite clear. Wax play done improperly can lead to first and second-degree burns, pain and permanent scarring.

Although wax play is simplistic in nature there are a few very basic safety tips and details that you need to know prior to exploring the wondrous avenue.

First, like with any BDSM play; know your weapon. There are several things you must know about the wax you are using before you can use it.

🔹What type of wax are you using? Each type of wax has a different melting point. The melting point is the temperature that the wax must be to go from solid to liquid and remain so.

Type of Wax Melting point Fahrenheit

Paraffin 120 – 145 degrees

Low temp wax 120 – 125 degrees

Standard jar candles 125 – 135 degrees

Standard pillar candles 135 – 140 degrees

Bee’s wax candles 140 – 155 degrees

Oil based candles 165 – 190 degrees

Gel jar candles 165 – 180 degrees

🔹Is it scented or unscented?

The addition of scents or scented oils may entice the senses but they also raise the melting point of wax between 5 and 10 degrees. Take this into consideration before you put any candle into use. Massaging the body with scented oils prior to wax play also affects the skin’s reaction to the wax itself. Although it does not affect the heat of the wax it does affect the time it takes for the wax to cool as well as whether the skin will radiate the heat or hold the heat in. Using an oil on the skin prior to wax play will help prevent the wax from sticking to the skin, and body hair (if any is present) it also makes clean up much easier. When you use oil however make sure you allow for a longer cooling time and that you monitor the skin closely. If the skin is warm to the touch then but there is no visible discoloration, it is safe to continue. If the skin is pink and warm to the touch, I suggest you use caution and slow down a little. If the skin is bright pink or red and hot to the touch then stop immediately and apply a cool compress to the skin, do not put ice directly to the burn, as it may cause additional tissue damage.

🔹Is the candle you are using colored, uncolored or is it clear/white in the center and colored on the outside?

Whenever you use colored wax please make sure to allow for approximately 5 and 10 degrees difference. On a candle that has a white or clear center and colored outside, you do not need to compensate, normally these candles are designed to burn down the center and do not actually burn the colored areas at all.

By using the above calculations a standard white unscented pillar candle has a melting point between 135 – 140 degrees, the same candle, cinnamon scented in red will change the melting point of that candle to between 145 – 160 degrees. This takes the experience from being pleasurable to being painful all the way to being harmful.

You can use any candle for wax play as long as you compensate and use the proper precautions. If you are using a hotter wax, simply increase the distance from the candle to the skin when dripping it onto the body. I always test the wax on myself prior to dripping it onto my slave/sub, this way I will be aware of the level of pain and or pleasure that should be expected. Normally I start the candle out at around 36 inches above the skin, and slowly lower it every few drops until I get the desired effect.

Also keep in mind that different parts of the body can stand different levels of heat. Never do wax play above the shoulders, there is too great a risk of burning the eyes, or getting wax in the mouth or nose, this may lead to choking or asphyxiation. Some believe that if you put fabric or a hood over the face that you can proceed with the wax play, I personally find the risk still too great. The breast and genitals can be included in wax play as long as you remember that this skin is highly sensitive and the healing time for a burn in these areas is painful and may last for an inconveniently long time.

One scene I would like to describe for you has been one of my favorites. I have always been a sadistic bitch and I enjoy every moment of it. It was a cold winter’s day, snow was maybe 8 inches deep and outside it was probably only in the upper teens, so I decided to do a little wax play with my male submissive. I had him blindfolded and secured on a low table with a plastic sheet underneath him. I let him lay there relaxing as I warmed the paraffin in the vat. I use a simple paraffin spa that I picked up at Wal-Mart. It can hold up to 10 pounds of paraffin, although when it is that full it does take a while to melt down. Once the wax had melted I spent a little time rubbing my submissive down with unscented oil, and massaging him a little. Then I used a ladle to pour wax directly onto his lower abdomen, at first he was a little leery I suppose due to the heat but he began to relax quickly. I let the wax run down his stomach onto his crotch and begin to pool between his legs. As he became more comfortable with the heat, I began to pour the wax directly onto his genitals, from his facial expressions I could tell there was some discomfort there but nothing he couldn’t handle. The next thing I did is where the sedition came in, as soon as I poured a ladle of wax on him I dumped a handful of snow on his crotch right behind it. Back and forth between hot and cold, over and over again he had goose bumps and was sweating all in the same moment. I never allowed the snow to make direct contact with the skin for more than a few seconds but the effect was dramatic. I ended by scrapping the wax from his body by using a very dull knife (basically the equivalent of a butter knife). The entire experience was extremely exhilarating and enjoyable for both of us.

When talking to Betsy, my submissive, she explained her first experience with wax play in a very different manner.

“My first experience with wax play was not a good one. My 1st Dominant was unfortunately for me a wanna be Dom. He had decided that wax play sounded good, but he had no experience with wax at all. He went down to Wal-Mart and bought a box of the Gulf Wax brand paraffin, and an acrylic paintbrush, this should have immediately told me he was inexperienced. He brought over a cheap aluminum pot and melted the wax and stirred it with the acrylic paintbrush, leaving the acrylic paintbrush sitting in the melted wax. My first taste of wax play was the brush being taken directly from the pan and whipped on my breast; he allowed the brush to lay against my skin for about a minute. I ended up with a first degree burn over one third of my left breast, the area was red for over a week and remained tender to the touch for about the next three weeks! After the initial damage was done, he proceeded to paint my breast with the brush, adding layer upon layer of wax; not realizing that by layering the wax it was actually holding in the heat and not allowing the skin to cool down between layers. This Dom made three big mistakes. First acrylic is plastic and melts, so when he left the paintbrush in the pan it was actually melting it and mixing it with the wax. Second, he did not test the temperature on himself first; he laid the brush on my breast without draining the excess wax from the brush or even checking to see how hot it was. Third, he layered the wax without thinking about how hot it would get. What could have and should have been a wonderful sensual scene turned into a disaster. Needless to say – I lost trust in this Dominant rather quickly.”

After you are familiar with the effects of wax, now we must move on to the application. As with betsy’s experience you may use a brush, please be intelligent and use a natural fiber brush, you can get them in any hardware or lumber store. Another means of application is pouring the wax on by using a ladle or cup, even directly from the jar itself, in these cases please remember to test out the temp and allow for the proper height in order to avoid unnecessary burns. Another method is by using gauze or material, simply dip the gauze or fabric in the wax and gently lay it directly on the skin, when the wax cools you can add another layer of gauze or fabric or you can simply pour more wax directly onto the material. An inexpensive alternative to medical gauze is shop towels, they are purchased by the role like paper towels but they are much thicker and inexpensive. Simply cut the shop towels to the appropriate width and dip them in the vat, make sure to squeeze out the excess wax before applying the towel to the skin. Another method of application is the use of a turkey baster, again remember to test on your own skin before you squirt this on someone else.


▪️If you are wanting more color and don’t want to risk using a colored candle, try melting a crayon in the wax, it will add color but will not raise the melting point of the wax.

▪️Whenever you play with hot items, be sure to have a container of cold water and towels nearby in incase of an accident.

▪️Whenever you are using a lit candle make sure that you do not have on acrylic or polyester clothing, if wax gets on these fabrics it can cause the fabric to melt to your skin. Also make sure that you do not have long sleeves that may catch fire or be dipped in the vat by accident.

▪️The first time you experiment with wax please make sure to take your time and test the wax on yourself prior to using it on another individual.

▪️If you don’t know, ask. Others that have experience with wax love telling interesting stories about their adventures and can entice some excellent ideas.

Like with all my articles these are my opinions only, please take what you wish and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is

Basic Bodywriting

This is a task to help explore humiliation. Humiliation is a very subjective and personal experience – different for everyone – what might be humiliation to some is not to others. Also, some find the experience to be arousing while others do not. This task is set up to help a submissive discover their own experience with humiliation, and I hope you find it useful. The task will take place over three consecutive days, so when you accept or request the assignment, be sure you can complete it within seven days and you are able to perform for three consecutive days.

Items Needed:

Sharpie Pen, lipstick, or similar


Pen and paper

Sex Toys (optional for Day 3)


You must be honest, both about what you choose as your humiliating phrase/words, but also as you keep your record. Any masturbation must be done manually. No toys, vibrators, etc. allowed., except on Day 3. If you feel you are likely to forget your body writing during the course of the day, you may wear a ribbon around your wrist to help remind you. That is optional, of course.


The first thing you should do is think about what, at the present moment, is the most humiliating thing you could be called by someone else. This should be something that doesn’t hit a limit of yours, but that is something you find to be humiliating and hopefully oddly arousing. Obviously this will differ between individuals. Got it? OK, we’re going to be writing it down…

Day 1:

First thing in the morning, you will kneel naked in the Nadu position for 15 minutes, contemplating the task ahead and the phrase you have selected. You will then write the phrase or words you have chosen on your abdomen with the sharpie pen or lipstick. When you have finished, you will lie on your back with your legs spread wide apart and you will masturbate (manual only, no toys!) to full climax. As you do so, you will also continuously utter the phrase written on your body as you masturbate as if you are speaking to your dominant, saying, “I am your ________ ” etc. Have fun with it and see how many ways you can enjoy what you are for your dominant as you pleasure yourself for them. Pay attention to your feelings as you mark yourself and as you experience the pleasure of your orgasm after you have written your personal humiliation on your body. After you have climaxed, you will not wash yourself, but you will dress and go about your day. As you go through your day, you will keep with you a pen and paper and you will record whenever your thoughts turn to the task or the phrase written on your body. If you think about it all day, that only counts as one time, so be honest with your record. Whenever your mind returns from your daily life to the task or your humiliation, make note and keep track. At the end of the day, you will tally the number of times you have thought about it. Prior to going to sleep, you will again kneel in Nadu position for 15 minutes and you will contemplate your experience during the day. After 15 minutes, you will lie on your back with your legs spread wide and you will masturbate for only as long as your tally. You will also utter the phrase out loud in the same manner as before, again enjoying what you are for your dominant’s pleasure. You may orgasm, but only if you can accomplish that within the time you earned. When your time is up, you will wash your body clean of your writing, and then you will write your report. Your report should include your feelings about the task and the feelings you experienced as you went through the act of writing on yourself, the masturbation and the thoughts you had during the day.

Day 2:

You will perform the task as on Day 1, except today you will NOT masturbate after you have written your phrase on your body. You will again keep track of the number of times your thoughts turned to the task or the writing on your body. Just prior to retiring for the night, you will kneel in Nadu position for 15 minutes, then you will lie on your back with legs spread wide and you will masturbate for only as long as the day’s tally. You will again utter the phrase out loud as on Day 1 while you masturbate. The same rules apply – you may climax if that is accomplished within the time period designated by the tally. Again, wash your body clean and then write your report. How was today different from Day 1?

Day 3:

This time you will kneel in Nadu position for 15 minutes and you will neither write the phrase nor will you masturbate. You will, however, continue to maintain your record of the number of times your thoughts turn to the task and/or the phrase or words you have chosen. At the end of the day you will kneel in Nadu position for 15 minutes, then you will write the phrase on your body. Then you will masturbate as before, crying out the phrase as before. You are permitted to climax as many times as the tally for Day 3. Can you meet the challenge? It is your reward as well as a way to engage in the pleasure of your own Humiliation Daze! I hope you had fun and I look forward to your reports.

Special Info:

Nadu: The submissive kneels before his/her Master/Mistress, head up, chin straight, eyes lowered, knees spread wide open, shoulders back keeping back straight (or arched slightly), breasts thrust outward. Hands lie on her thighs, palms facing upward.


Reports for this task are to be made daily (minimum 300 words), as the last act of the day. Reports should detail your feelings throughout the day during all parts of the task. Pay close attention to, and attempt to describe in your report the sensation of humiliation and arousal. Photos are encouraged and desired if you would like to share them.

Safety Considerations:

When kneeling, you can do so on a soft surface, but if you have knee problems you might avoid the task or modify your pose. Also, in keeping your tally throughout the day, obviously you won’t want to do it while driving, so be safe!

Source: dominalex.wordpress*com/tag/bdsm-assignments/

Clothed Female, Naked Male (CFNM) 101

Source: Mistress Kay on kinklydotcom

The CFNM kink is so simple that many people into it can exactly pinpoint the time where they fell in love with it.

Very popular in female domination circles, Clothed Female, Naked Male (CFNM, for short) is exactly how it sounds: a kink for a clothed woman while a nearby male is entirely naked. While the kink is often used as part of a power exchange dynamic (where one person is in charge while the other accepts orders), CFNM can also be used outside of power exchange dynamics as well.

People of any gender identities or gender presentations can participate in CFNM.

All that CFNM requires is two people in two various states of dress. However, for the sake of simplicity and the name of the kink, the words “woman” and “man” have been used within this article. A less popular version, CMNF (Clothed Male, Naked Female), is also considered a kinky fetish. However, possibly because of societal expectations or the popularity of the “naked and willing female submissive” trope, “Clothed Male, Naked Female” isn’t often mentioned by specific name.

Why Do People Enjoy It?

Even the most unkinky person can agree: there’s something inherently vulnerable about being naked in front of another human. In CFNM, kinksters just exploit this inherent vulnerability for their own fun. Being naked and vulnerable, while another person is fully clothed and in charge, only reinforces the power exchange dynamic of someone else being in charge.

The plain simplicity of this kink feeds into people’s love for it as well. The kink is so simple that many people into it can exactly pinpoint the time where they fell in love with it. Maybe it was their first girlfriend, who was too nervous to ever undress, so all of their sex was with him being the sole naked person. Maybe it was her first husband, who slept naked, but was so turned on for sex that he never bothered to take the time for her to get naked before the two of them had sex. Most people into CFNM can pinpoint the exact reason why they think they’re into it.

In addition to being vulnerable, a lot of male submissives report that the kink feels extremely sexual. In most cases where a woman is asking them to strip naked, sexual activities or kinky acts are in the near future. Just the stripping down in itself can become a Pavlovian response to future sexual activity – and can become a kink in itself.

Is This Possibly the Easiest Kink Out There?

Well, I’m sure there are other “simple” kinks out there, but Clothed Female, Naked Male definitely ranks as one of the easiest kinks to perform – and that’s part of the appeal! This doesn’t require any specific toys or any specific furniture. You can do it at home, and you can do it without spending hours planning a scene. It requires absolutely no special purchases.

That being said, a lot of couples like to work CFNM into an already-amazing scene plan. CFNM on its own can be great (and some people love it as the sole focus!), but it’s usually used as another tool in the “femdomme toolbox” to help enforce power exchange dynamics during a scene where the focus may be on something else – like a foot massage or a spanking.

How Do I Try This at Home?

Well, I’m sure you’ve figured out the basics by now. The acting female of the dynamic is fully clothed – in whatever clothing works for your dynamic. The acting male of your dynamic will be entirely naked. This is pretty much the basic set-up for any CFNM scene you choose to explore.

Now, how you spice it up from here is up to you. Using only clothing, you can change the dynamic even further. Will the woman be wearing a powerful business outfit – further adding to the power exchange? Will the dominatrix be wearing elaborate lingerie – as a further sexual tease in a situation where the bottom is unable to hide his excitement? Will the female dominant be wearing her comfortable, everyday clothes to further nail in the point that she doesn’t think he’s worth dressing up for in a humiliation scene?

You can mess around with the bottom’s “outfit” too. Sure, naked is the basic expectation of CFNM, but even CFNM kink parties allow more than just basic nudity! Are you into chastity? A chastity cage can further enforce the dynamic you’re trying to achieve.

You might even consider a pair of feminine panties – maybe even the dominant’s panties. For the more shy kinksters among us, if full nudity isn’t an option, the same mindset and dynamic can be achieved with the bottom clad in only a pair of his own underwear – while the top is fully clothed.

What if we explore outside of the clothing though? Don’t forget that CFNM is usually used as a fun “part” of a scene – not necessarily the scene itself. This kink can be mixed with any other kink you want to do at the moment – pegging, foot worship, rope bondage, edging, tea service, cigar service, teasing and denial, and anything other kink you had in mind.

Just plan the clothing accordingly, and you could even turn your regular Wednesday movie night into a light mixture of foreplay with CFNM involved!

Bastinado: The Art of Foot Torture

I personally love this feeling, can be a great addition to impact play. Please do your research before attempting anything new, and use the correct tool for the job.

Author: unknown

An Abbreviated History of Bastinado

There are a few names for this specific sort of foot torture: “falanga, falaq” or “falaka” which originate from the Persian gulf area, and “bastinado”, from Europe, which literally translated means “to beat with a stick”.

Bastinado was used during the Inquisition. It is still used as a disciplinary measure in China, and is considered the equivalent of a western spanking. Iran is still a modern-day user of bastinado as a torture method, beginning with wooden sticks and varying in size and structure up to even lead pipes. The less you scream, apparently, the more severe the implements choice.

The Turks used bastinado as a form of punishment, and introduced it to the Greeks. It was used in schools in Greece, as well as in the army, and it is rumoured that it is still used by the secret police there, albeit illegally. Generally the feet are tied on a long rod (sometimes two rods were used-feet held between them) while being held by two other persons. In the army the feet were tied on a gun.

Additionally, it was used among the North American Indians when they captured and enslaved other tribes, to keep their captors in line. However, they took it a degree further, and cut the soles of the feet with knives, making

grooves which would prolong the healing process.

Bamboo provides a bastinado scene you’ll never forget. We can thank the Chinese for taking bamboo whipping and elevating it to “fine art” status. During the Manchu dynasty bastinado was practiced by ‘enforcers’ using very long and thin canes. Bastinado was not only about force; in fact these enforcers could strike the feet hundreds of times without ever cutting the skin. They could also draw blood with as little as three strikes. They achieved such skill by practicing on a block of bean curd, which has the consistency of heavy custard. Their skill was at its height when they were able to strike the bean curd repeatedly without ever breaking the surface of it.

The Physiology of Bastinado

Please keep in mind that feet are extremely delicate. They contain many bones and tissues that can be damaged permanently with only the slightest amount of effort. There are a multitude of nerve endings in the feet. These endings can affect nerves that run not only in the feet themselves, but throughout the body, as many nerves in the human anatomy have their endings in the extremities. It is not difficult to cause severe injury, not only in the feet, where walking or standing may be affected short-term, long-term, or even permanently – but in other areas of the body as well via the feet.

Bastinado and Modern BDSM

So you know what not to do, now on to what you can do. Small canes and switches work wonders. I have also experienced bastinado via rubber hoses, thicker canes, belts and bundled florist wire. This should be done lightly and with caution. It’s not particularly difficult to break the more delicate bones in the feet. Some choose to pad or protect the joints of the toes and ankles, and the whole area of the foot excepting the sole may be covered and padded to avoid accidental striking of an unintended location. This isn’t bad advice, particularly for beginners to this sort of activity. In essence, stick to instruments that produce a stinging effect, rather than a thuddy one. The goal is not to bruise the feet or leave marks on them, but to create varied sensations. Alternating with heat, ice, fur mitts, curry-combs used for grooming horses, smooth, cold large stones rubbed on the foot, sandpaper – the possibilities are endless in terms of providing contrasting sensations for the subject of your foot torture.

The strokes to the feet should be light and swift, you don’t want to proceed as if you’re swinging a baseball bat here. In doing BDSM bastinado for the first time, remember to keep it short. Lengthy sessions of such activity can result in your subject being unable to walk in the morning. If you should err, please do so on the side of caution!

From One Who Enjoys Receiving Bastinado:

Personally I like a fairly substantial cane, used with swift repetition, beginning very lightly and increasing in intensity. I also like wire hangers and the previously mentioned florist wire. Florist wire comes in a variety of sizes, and the smaller sizes allow one to provide the sting with relatively little likelihood of long-lasting injury. Though it is amusing to my dominant to see me get up out of bed, having forgotten the on-goings of the night before, and tumble once my feet touch the ground.

In Summary:

A lot of it boils down to simple common sense. Do a little research on foot anatomy, and get to know where the nerves, bones, joints and tissues are. You can’t be too careful or too light on feet that are unaccustomed to this practice. Listen to your subject and watch his/her reactions. And by all means, enjoy!

Building a BDSM Scene with Edging

This scene portrays a Dominant male and a submissive female, but if your dynamic looks differently simply modify the scene to fit whatever works for you.

There are four main factors that go into building this scene: Submissive positioning, Building anticipation, Edging, and Dominant commands.

Positioning your submissive in a submissive position is one way to apply an accelerator. Any position where the power dynamic is in your favour, and they are not in control, is a good thing. Kneeling, bent over, tied up, across your lap… these are all submissive positions that will help you assert your dominance and kick start the arousal response in your sub.

Another accelerator towards sexual pleasure is anticipation. You know that feeling you get when you’re fully clothed but know sex is on the cards later that evening, but you have to wait? That’s the feeling you want to instill in your sub. She knows she’s going to get an intense orgasm at some point, but doesn’t know when it will be or by what method you are going to give it to her.

Anticipation can be built many ways: light touch, stroking everything but the most sensitive areas she really wants you to touch. Using toys without letting her see them (a fun game would be to identify the toys by touch use alone). Blindfolds, and using rope, tape or cuffs to tie her up.

For example, have her lie on the bed blindfolded, tied down using under bed restraints. Lightly stroke her legs, breasts, arms with your hands, or perhaps a feather or flogger. Ramp up the tension by starting far away from her pussy, and slowly getting closer to her inner thighs, higher and higher each pass. Avoid touching directly between her legs.

You’ll notice her becoming agitated (in a good way), maybe even wriggling on the bed, gasping when your fingers work to within an inch or her clitoris, but then let out a disappointed groan when they retreat. This is how you know what you are doing is working. Remember to build anticipation. The final orgasm will be stronger as a result.

Edging is the process of getting someone as close to orgasm as you can, and then stopping stimulation and allowing arousal levels to drop, before repeating the process. The theory goes that the more times you repeat this edging cycle, the stronger the resulting orgasm will be.

In order to edge effectively, you have to recognise when your sub is close to orgasm. This is far from an exact science, but use a combination of the following methods:

  • Body language. Back arches, thrusting hips, biting lips, squeezing legs together, curling toes, gripping your hand. Not all of these will apply to your sub. She may even have a totally different reaction. All that matters is you become observant and start to recognise the subtle signs she is giving off when she is close to orgasm.
  • Vocalisations. Moans, grunts, going silent, screaming loudly, telling you she is going to come. As before, everybody is different, but with practise you’ll recognise her tell tale signs.
  • Arousal scale. The easiest and more effective for me. Simply explain to your sub that 1 is not at all aroused and 10 is having an orgasm. When she gets to a particular number, she should tell you. It’s a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being “I’m coming right now!”

As I start teasing my sub, I will tell her to alert me when she reaches a particular number, usually 9 out of 10. Although I am using the other signs to monitor her arousal level, this takes all the guessing out of it.

Usually I’ll take her up to a 9, then reduce the stimulation, either asking me to alert her when she returns to a 7 out of 10, or simply pausing for a particular length of time of my choosing.

I’ll then begin stimulation again, asking her to alert me when she reaches 9.5. Once again I stop the stimulation when my sub say she has reached this level.

I’ll repeat this process, each time increasing the number. Maybe 9.8, then 9.9.

After 3-5 of these cycles, I usually allow her to come. Of course, if you are feeling particularly mean (lean towards being more of a sadist Dom) you can repeat this cycle many more times, and may even decide not to let her come at all.

I prefer to keep the cycles short, each one lasting a few minutes, rather than hours (although the first cycle is normally a lot longer than the first). But this is a matter of personal preference.

You could span this process over the course of a day or even weeks. Wake up and tease her close to orgasm and then get up. An hour later do it again. And so on.

However, I would probably lump this in the orgasm denial category, rather than the edging category. With edging, I feel a key part is to prevent her arousal level from dropping all the way back to one. Keep it above five at all times in order to create a stronger orgasm.

The final pillar of giving an intense orgasm is another way of enhancing the D/s power dynamic – dominant commands. You may already be used to giving your submissive commands to follow outside or inside the bedroom. This is an extension of that, where direct commands are given right before orgasm.

Right before she is about to orgasm, you say a phrase to push her over the edge. Not only does the phrase get her there, but it intensifies the orgasm because it reminds her of the dynamic which is being played out in the scene.

For example, you may say “Cum for me, baby”, “Cum for Daddy” if you are into DDLG, or perhaps “I want you to cum for me like the slut you are for me” if you have a more sex slave dynamic going on. Use whatever phrase you know appears to her, not to you.

Ideally you will have used this phrase in previous play sessions so the wording acts as a Pavlovian anchor, gaining intensity and meaning each time you use it.

With practice, and by watching body language, you’ll know the exact timing to use it. And of course, this is a fulfilling prophecy. If she is already at the point of no return and you say “Cum for me”, even though the phrase made no difference to her having an orgasm or not, the two become mentally linked. Keep building up this mental link until it becomes a strong anchor and it eventually will help her achieve orgasm faster.

Don’t forget that simply asking her to tell you where she is on the arousal scale is also a command, and can be given in a dominant way, adding to her sense of being led, relaxed, out of control, and submissive.


Putting it all together into a scene

Now you’ve got some principles to work with to intensify her orgasm, let’s put it together into a practical BDSM scene for you to try out together.

Sit on your sofa and have your sub lie naked in your lap face down. Her bum should be level with your hips, her legs slightly spread so you have access to all of her. Get her into the submissive position, this is pillar one. She’s in a submissive position. If her flexibility allows it, consider tying her arms behind her back. Be careful however. She may be in this position for up to an hour, and you want her to be comfortable. If she can’t relax then this will act as a brake and stifle her orgasm.

Next we need to build anticipation. Being face down in this submissive position she can’t see what you are doing, only feel your hands on her body. I position a chair or small table in front of me upon which I have a selection of sex toys she hasn’t seen. I’ve got a big enough collection to keep her guessing what I’m going to use. I’ll usually opt for a wand or bullet vibrator for clitoral stimulation, a dildo for penetration, a butt plug or anal beads for anal play, and of course, lots of lube.

Start slowly. Stroke her skin with your hands. Run your fingers lightly down her back. Pull at her hair. Massage her neck. Keep your initial touches ‘non-sexual’ as it were, even though they will be highly arousing given the situation.

Do this for a good 5-10 minutes before you even start to introduce any sex toys. You want her mind relaxed, prepared for what is coming next. If she’s still thinking about the shit day she had at work, or the plans she has with her girlfriends on the weekend, you’ll never get her to orgasm, let alone to have an intense orgasm.

By this stage, even though she’s relaxed, she’ll be around a 5 out of 10 on the arousal scale. Now you can introduce a toy, or use your hands in more intimate ways. Work towards her sensitive areas. Upper thighs and labia are a good start. Stick to the outside and keep the touch light. Don’t jump straight for your most intense vibrator on full power mode.

Lightly brush her labia with your fingertips as you ‘accidentally’ get too close to her pussy whilst massaging her thighs for example. Make her wonder if you did it intentionally or not. Then return to less sexual touch.

Repeat several times. Done right, and she’ll be up to a six or seven, maybe higher, out of ten.

Now you can be more overtly sexual. Lube up a dildo and slide it lengthways up and down her lips. Don’t insert it, just tease her. Let her enjoy the feeling of it rubbing against her skin, wondering if when she will feel it inside her.

Continue to pay attention to her body language. What is she enjoying? What doesn’t she like so much? Play. Experiment. Use your toys in different and novel ways. But always be assessing her arousal level and managing it. Slowly build the sexual teasing.

Edge her. You can now start to work her up towards a nine out of ten on the arousal scale. Ask her to tell you what level she’s at, and to warn you when she reaches a nine.

For the first edging cycle I may just rub her clit with my fingers, and not use any toys. When she reaches nine I back off, and go back to what I was doing at the start of the session. Lightly stroking the rest of her body, allowing her arousal to dissipate slightly. After a couple of minutes of this, it is time to work her back up.

Edging cycle two. By now you might want to introduce some toys for penetration. Slide a butt plug insider her or a dildo (or both).

These can just sit there, so although they add to the arousal level, they don’t necessarily cause it to rapidly jump, merely to slowly creep up. With this feeling of fullness, and the fact you’ve already been through one edging cycle, you stroking her clit will feel more intense. Work her up to a 9.5, then once again back off.

Edging cycle three. For the third cycle, you can get more aggressive. You might want to slide the dildo in and out, or use a vibrator on her clit rather than just your hands. The aim is to take her up to a 9.8 out of ten.

How quickly you do this is up to you and depends how much time you have. A cycle of around 5 minutes is a good start.

What toys you use and how you do this is up to your imagination. Use your knowledge of what she enjoys and what her kinks are to maximise her pleasure. Remember to do everything consensually and have already discussed hard limits before you start. Get her to a 9.8 then stop.

Edging cycle four. Go for one more round up to a 9.9. If you reach this point she will probably be dying for you to make her come. She may not even be able to speak and tell you when she is at a 9.9 out of ten.

A part of her might be frustrated with you for not letting her come (but secretly she’s loving it if orgasm denial is one of her kinks). She may even misjudge it and end up coming by accident. If she’s new to being edged then I’d let her off. If I felt she could have held on but chose not to then a light punishment might be in order.

The final release. Now it is time to finally let her have her intense orgasm.

You can keep her guessing as to whether you will let her come or not by saying “Let’s do that again. Tell me when you get to a 9.9”. Or you can tell her directly “This time I’m going to let you come, but you need to ask my permission when you’re ready”.

Work her up to the point of orgasm again, using whichever method you’d like. I opt for whatever I observed her being most turned on by in the previous cycles.

For example, if she moaned loudest and approached orgasm quickest on round two with the butt plug in and the vibrator on her clit, I’ll choose that technique for the final round, because I want to give her the best orgasm.

When she is ready to come, she will ask you politely if she can (again, this assumes that is one of the submissive rules you’ve already established with her in your Dom/sub dynamic).

It’s now time to use your orgasm anchor phrase and allow her to come.

If you’ve done everything correctly up to this point, you (and she) will be rewarded with a far more intense orgasm than she normally has.

It may take a while for her to recover from this, so as she’s recovering remove the toys (butt plug can stay in ;)) and stop all direct stimulation. After a few minutes of light stroking, and when you sense she is ready, have her turn over and cuddle up to you to provide some good aftercare as she comes down.

My description above is only one way of doing things. Your D/s dynamic may take a completely different form, and that’s okay. Take whatever parts of this guide which spoke to you and discard the rest. Adapt and adopt.

As an example, suppose your sub is more of a pain slut. Rather than stopping after she has her orgasm, you might choose to continue to hold the vibrator on her clit or even increase the speed. This will be painful considering how sensitive it becomes after orgasm, but the pain might play into your dynamic perfectly and lead to the build-up of another orgasm.

And that’s it. That’s how you build an edging scene. Remember not to rush, take your time. And consistency is key, avoiding breaking your roles during a scene.

Begging In BDSM

Author: Raven Shadowborne

Begging is something that many people include in their BDSM relationship. To each person, it is used for different reasons and causes different reactions. Begging affects those involved on both a physical level and a mental one.

Begging is having the submissive plead with the dominant to receive something. It is most often used for the submissive to plead for pleasure, orgasm, or a pleasure scene. Used to gain release, it can also be a method of reminding the submissive that their body is no longer their own, and even the physical pleasure of pain or orgasm must be granted by the dominant.

Begging can be a means of exerting control or power over the submissive. By making the submissive beg for things, it is a powerful reminder that the submissive is no longer free to make their own choices without, at the very least, permission of the dominant. This can bring to the forefront the emotional response of the power exchange. In this way, it is basically used as one of many things to keep the power exchange in the forefront of the participants minds.

Begging can also be used by the dominant during a punishment. They can request or order the submissive to first thank the dominant for each strike and ask for another. In this way, begging is a way of bringing home the reasons for the punishment, and the fact that the consequences are indeed a punishment. For many submissives, having to do this keeps their minds from relaxing into sub space and turning the pain of corporal punishment into pleasure. It achieves this by forcing the submissive to participate actively in their own punishment, therefore giving the mind something it has to concentrate on. It can keep the submissive focused during a punishment, by centering their focus on what is happening to them, and with each plea reinforcing the fact that misbehavior has consequences.

The physical act of begging can be a sexual turn on for people. Seeing the submissive in an obviously submissive pose, pleading with the dominant, can cause significant sexual arousal in both parties. Kneeling is the most common submissive pose, and just seeing a person in that position can arouse a dominant. However, one need not be kneeling to beg. Positioning for begging is up to the dominant, and some prefer certain positions for certain situations.

Begging can take many forms. From a simple “Please Master/Mistress, may I speak freely?” to a long process of repeated entreaties while in a particular position, using specific language and tones of voice. For example, a submissive on their knees, naked, legs spread, arms folded behind their back, head up, eyes lowered, with a soft tone of voice begs their master/mistress for permission to orgasm. The entreaty itself could go something like this “Please, Master, may your slut cum for you?” or “Please Master/Mistress, may I cum now? Please Master/Mistress?” Such an entreaty can include body motions designed to show the master/mistress all parts of the body that they own, as well as the state of physical arousal.

Some dominants prefer that when their submissive’s beg, they include statements of who is in charge or devotion and submission. How one begs is really up to the dominant, and the dominant should make it clear to the submissive what they prefer in what situation.

Begging contains an inherent humiliation factor for the submissive. This humiliation can be a great turn on for some people. The humiliation factor can be increased in intensity by requiring “vulgar” language during begging. In this manner, the humiliation factor can be used as a means of teaching the submissive humility if the submissive seems to be overly proud or arrogant. Though, any acts which include overt humiliation, must be handled carefully and with much forethought to ensure they are being done in as safe a manner as possible for the submissive’s mental well being. Teaching humility is one thing, destroying self esteem is something else entirely.

Begging is also often used as a part of role play scenes. I’ve seen it most often when people describe scenes in which one partner plays the role of a “child” and begs their “daddy” or “mommy” to spank them, or let them have a privilege they are wanting. In this way, begging increases the realism of the role play scene and makes it more satisfying for those involved by putting the submissive in a more “child-like” mindset.

Begging, as one can see, is another aspect of BDSM which is very varied in it’s uses, turn ons, and meanings. It is a personal choice whether or not to include begging in the relationship.

Asexual Kinksters

We often say that BDSM isn’t always about sex. Asexual kinksters are sometimes an example of this. There are folks on the asexuality spectrum who enjoy diverse expressions of sex and kink with folks of every gender and orientation across the whole sexuality spectrum.

Quick 101 catch-up for those of you who aren’t familiar with asexuality: Asexuality is an orientation in which people experience limited to no sexual attractions. Sexual attraction is defined as the emotional response people feel where they find people sexually appealing, and this often results in a desire for sexual contact with people. You don’t necessarily need to be attracted to people to engage in and enjoy sexual activity, BDSM or kink. The asexuality spectrum is diverse and for some, fluid. Some folks on the asexuality spectrum are sex-repulsed, meaning they find the idea and/or act of sex revolting. Some asexuals have high sex drives. Some asexuals masturbate and watch pornography but don’t partake in acts of sex and kink with others. Some don’t masturbate or watch pornography. We need to make space for diverse expressions of sexuality and intimacy.

Asexuals can engage in kink and fetish play, and some folks separate sex and kink. You have sex-repulsed asexual kinksters. The takeaway here is that attraction, drive, kink, and sexual activity are all related in various ways, but expressions are as diverse as the experiences of those engaged. There is another spectrum- the romantic — aromantic spectrum — that we won’t get into here, but it exists and talks more about romantic/emotional attractions and bonds, but are outside the scope of this conversation.

While some asexuals are sex-repulsed, others enjoy kink and play parties. Rarely are those parties accessible to asexuals. Here are a few ways you can make the entire BDSM lifestyle more welcoming to asexuals, because some love kink and sex parties, too.

Compulsory sexuality refers to a “set of social attitudes, institutions, and practices which hold and enforce the belief that everyone should have or want to have frequent consensual sex.” While sexuality encompasses our internal wants and desires, compulsory sexuality is imposed from outside. Sexual and kink engagement should always be an intentional choice.

If you are curating a space where sex and/or kink are centered and celebrated, then consent should be at the forefront of all activity. Consent should be enthusiastic, and ongoing. Your presence at a sex or kink activity does not imply your consent to engage with others, and that goes for asexuals alike. Of course, your presence implies that you are aware of sexual and/or kinky activity, but any party worth their salt outlines expectations beforehand, opens said party with a consent class, and gives people the chance to discuss their triggers with organizers beforehand. Centering consent and acknowledging that we live in a world that mandates compulsory sexuality gives us the tools needed to help everyone curate an environment of intentionality.

Everyone at the event should be in agreement about the guidelines of engagement. That creates an environment of sex positivity, where sexual and kink diversity are celebrated, and the expectation that activity of a socially approved kind as mandatory is replaced with the enthusiastic consent and intention of all people in attendance. Asexuals are capable of maintaining a sex/kink positive attitude about sexual/BDSM activity and attitudes.

If we remember that asexuality is about attraction and that it has to do with self-identity, and not mandates for others, we can better understand one another. If we understand that we are all present to share the space, and that consent is the key for expression, the space becomes more inclusive. Once we stop holding the perception of asexuality as a monolithic, sex hating group, we can better make space for all diverse expressions of sexuality and kink. On a similar note, asexuals who attend sex and kink parties need to check their assumptions about those who experience sexual attraction at the door. Any shame they have surrounding sexuality should be deconstructed wherever possible, especially when entering spaces that center sex and kink diversity. The takeaway here is that sex negativity should be actively discouraged, no matter what your orientation may be.

Your guidelines also should talk about etiquette for engaging with people who are already involved in activities, because everyone has the right to be comfortable and on the same page in a vulnerable environment. In a related vein, voyeurism is a form of participation and should also be negotiated and consensual. While some attend sex and kink parties to play with those with whom they came, others attend because they enjoy being in a non-judgmental, sexually free, and body-positive environment. Some like to consensually watch others play. Some like to watch and play. There are asexual people with partners that like to watch their partners play.

Whether you curate or you attend kink and sex parties, you’re bound to meet asexual folks who might want to play. If you hold space for diverse expressions of kink and sexuality, please make space for aces at your events. They are more than their attractions. They are dynamic, fluid, and self-aware people, too. Adapted from an article at: