Candlelight Moments: Basics of Wax Play

Author: Norische

Article link: https://thebdsmgarden*com/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=587&chapter=1

For many, wax play is one of the first experiences within the BDSM realm, this is also the reason that so many people end up getting accidentally hurt. All too often someone is watching a pornographic movie and sees someone drip wax on his or her partner and suddenly they are rummaging through their kitchen cabinets looking for a candle that they can experiment with. “It looked so easy in the movie…” or “The women in the movie seemed to really like it so…” are phrases the emergency room staff have undoubtedly heard time and time again. Although most individuals probably make up some story about accidentally dropping a candle on their naked genitals or knocking a candle over and splashing wax all over their bare back as they turned; having worked in an ER I myself heard a few excuses such as these, although you honestly are suspicious about the method of the injury the means is always quite clear. Wax play done improperly can lead to first and second-degree burns, pain and permanent scarring.

Although wax play is simplistic in nature there are a few very basic safety tips and details that you need to know prior to exploring the wondrous avenue.

First, like with any BDSM play; know your weapon. There are several things you must know about the wax you are using before you can use it.

🔹What type of wax are you using? Each type of wax has a different melting point. The melting point is the temperature that the wax must be to go from solid to liquid and remain so.

Type of Wax Melting point Fahrenheit

Paraffin 120 – 145 degrees

Low temp wax 120 – 125 degrees

Standard jar candles 125 – 135 degrees

Standard pillar candles 135 – 140 degrees

Bee’s wax candles 140 – 155 degrees

Oil based candles 165 – 190 degrees

Gel jar candles 165 – 180 degrees

🔹Is it scented or unscented?

The addition of scents or scented oils may entice the senses but they also raise the melting point of wax between 5 and 10 degrees. Take this into consideration before you put any candle into use. Massaging the body with scented oils prior to wax play also affects the skin’s reaction to the wax itself. Although it does not affect the heat of the wax it does affect the time it takes for the wax to cool as well as whether the skin will radiate the heat or hold the heat in. Using an oil on the skin prior to wax play will help prevent the wax from sticking to the skin, and body hair (if any is present) it also makes clean up much easier. When you use oil however make sure you allow for a longer cooling time and that you monitor the skin closely. If the skin is warm to the touch then but there is no visible discoloration, it is safe to continue. If the skin is pink and warm to the touch, I suggest you use caution and slow down a little. If the skin is bright pink or red and hot to the touch then stop immediately and apply a cool compress to the skin, do not put ice directly to the burn, as it may cause additional tissue damage.

🔹Is the candle you are using colored, uncolored or is it clear/white in the center and colored on the outside?

Whenever you use colored wax please make sure to allow for approximately 5 and 10 degrees difference. On a candle that has a white or clear center and colored outside, you do not need to compensate, normally these candles are designed to burn down the center and do not actually burn the colored areas at all.

By using the above calculations a standard white unscented pillar candle has a melting point between 135 – 140 degrees, the same candle, cinnamon scented in red will change the melting point of that candle to between 145 – 160 degrees. This takes the experience from being pleasurable to being painful all the way to being harmful.

You can use any candle for wax play as long as you compensate and use the proper precautions. If you are using a hotter wax, simply increase the distance from the candle to the skin when dripping it onto the body. I always test the wax on myself prior to dripping it onto my slave/sub, this way I will be aware of the level of pain and or pleasure that should be expected. Normally I start the candle out at around 36 inches above the skin, and slowly lower it every few drops until I get the desired effect.

Also keep in mind that different parts of the body can stand different levels of heat. Never do wax play above the shoulders, there is too great a risk of burning the eyes, or getting wax in the mouth or nose, this may lead to choking or asphyxiation. Some believe that if you put fabric or a hood over the face that you can proceed with the wax play, I personally find the risk still too great. The breast and genitals can be included in wax play as long as you remember that this skin is highly sensitive and the healing time for a burn in these areas is painful and may last for an inconveniently long time.

One scene I would like to describe for you has been one of my favorites. I have always been a sadistic bitch and I enjoy every moment of it. It was a cold winter’s day, snow was maybe 8 inches deep and outside it was probably only in the upper teens, so I decided to do a little wax play with my male submissive. I had him blindfolded and secured on a low table with a plastic sheet underneath him. I let him lay there relaxing as I warmed the paraffin in the vat. I use a simple paraffin spa that I picked up at Wal-Mart. It can hold up to 10 pounds of paraffin, although when it is that full it does take a while to melt down. Once the wax had melted I spent a little time rubbing my submissive down with unscented oil, and massaging him a little. Then I used a ladle to pour wax directly onto his lower abdomen, at first he was a little leery I suppose due to the heat but he began to relax quickly. I let the wax run down his stomach onto his crotch and begin to pool between his legs. As he became more comfortable with the heat, I began to pour the wax directly onto his genitals, from his facial expressions I could tell there was some discomfort there but nothing he couldn’t handle. The next thing I did is where the sedition came in, as soon as I poured a ladle of wax on him I dumped a handful of snow on his crotch right behind it. Back and forth between hot and cold, over and over again he had goose bumps and was sweating all in the same moment. I never allowed the snow to make direct contact with the skin for more than a few seconds but the effect was dramatic. I ended by scrapping the wax from his body by using a very dull knife (basically the equivalent of a butter knife). The entire experience was extremely exhilarating and enjoyable for both of us.

When talking to Betsy, my submissive, she explained her first experience with wax play in a very different manner.

“My first experience with wax play was not a good one. My 1st Dominant was unfortunately for me a wanna be Dom. He had decided that wax play sounded good, but he had no experience with wax at all. He went down to Wal-Mart and bought a box of the Gulf Wax brand paraffin, and an acrylic paintbrush, this should have immediately told me he was inexperienced. He brought over a cheap aluminum pot and melted the wax and stirred it with the acrylic paintbrush, leaving the acrylic paintbrush sitting in the melted wax. My first taste of wax play was the brush being taken directly from the pan and whipped on my breast; he allowed the brush to lay against my skin for about a minute. I ended up with a first degree burn over one third of my left breast, the area was red for over a week and remained tender to the touch for about the next three weeks! After the initial damage was done, he proceeded to paint my breast with the brush, adding layer upon layer of wax; not realizing that by layering the wax it was actually holding in the heat and not allowing the skin to cool down between layers. This Dom made three big mistakes. First acrylic is plastic and melts, so when he left the paintbrush in the pan it was actually melting it and mixing it with the wax. Second, he did not test the temperature on himself first; he laid the brush on my breast without draining the excess wax from the brush or even checking to see how hot it was. Third, he layered the wax without thinking about how hot it would get. What could have and should have been a wonderful sensual scene turned into a disaster. Needless to say – I lost trust in this Dominant rather quickly.”

After you are familiar with the effects of wax, now we must move on to the application. As with betsy’s experience you may use a brush, please be intelligent and use a natural fiber brush, you can get them in any hardware or lumber store. Another means of application is pouring the wax on by using a ladle or cup, even directly from the jar itself, in these cases please remember to test out the temp and allow for the proper height in order to avoid unnecessary burns. Another method is by using gauze or material, simply dip the gauze or fabric in the wax and gently lay it directly on the skin, when the wax cools you can add another layer of gauze or fabric or you can simply pour more wax directly onto the material. An inexpensive alternative to medical gauze is shop towels, they are purchased by the role like paper towels but they are much thicker and inexpensive. Simply cut the shop towels to the appropriate width and dip them in the vat, make sure to squeeze out the excess wax before applying the towel to the skin. Another method of application is the use of a turkey baster, again remember to test on your own skin before you squirt this on someone else.


▪️If you are wanting more color and don’t want to risk using a colored candle, try melting a crayon in the wax, it will add color but will not raise the melting point of the wax.

▪️Whenever you play with hot items, be sure to have a container of cold water and towels nearby in incase of an accident.

▪️Whenever you are using a lit candle make sure that you do not have on acrylic or polyester clothing, if wax gets on these fabrics it can cause the fabric to melt to your skin. Also make sure that you do not have long sleeves that may catch fire or be dipped in the vat by accident.

▪️The first time you experiment with wax please make sure to take your time and test the wax on yourself prior to using it on another individual.

▪️If you don’t know, ask. Others that have experience with wax love telling interesting stories about their adventures and can entice some excellent ideas.

Like with all my articles these are my opinions only, please take what you wish and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is

Common Sense in the Lifestyle

By: Sharon Lynn

Why does it seem all common sense goes out the window when people start in the lifestyle?

People make posts asking about things that would have had them running in a vanilla relationship

“I met a Dom online. They said for our first meet I have to go to their house and strip naked for an inspection? Is that normal?”

I have had this one happen to me. I knew straight up that this isn’t normal. And if it was? I was noping out of that situation.

This is one small example. I’ve seen many more.

A lifestyle dynamic is very different than a vanilla dynamic

But there are things that are the same.


-your values

When you first meet someone, you should be either vetting or thinking about vetting.

You are still equals.

Those are things that you would not tolerate being trivialized in a vanilla dynamic. Why would you allow it in a Lifestyle vetting process?

What are some examples you’ve seen or experienced?

Clothespin Play

Source: lovensedotcom

The wooden ones you use to hang your laundry with … yes, those.

There are also plastic ones, metal, big, tiny (like for scrapbooking), decorative, one with teeth/ridges on the inside, ones with smooth clip ends, etc. The options are endless…

So are the ways you can use them during BDSM play.


Yes and no. It is simply a matter of attaching them to the skin, but HOW and the LOCATION is where the fun lies.

There’s really no limit to where you place the pins – there’s not much that’s off-limits (labia, breasts, ears, fingers, the skin around the rib cage, testicles, nose, armpits, anywhere) … as long as…

It’s within the person’s consented pain tolerance

Doesn’t impede breathing

Isn’t aggravating injuries or wounds

Aren’t put in locations that might cause mental discomfort or trauma


The best place is on the skin between the pointer finger and thumb (and not just on the bottom– anything you use on them you should be able to test on yourself).

Whether it’s too tight or loose depends entirely on the person being pinned.

If they’re too tight, I’ve heard of people clipping the pin open to weaken the coil and therefore make it looser. Some even drill holes into the handles to add spin clamps to adjust the pressure (but too much work if you ask me).

You can also buy specialist pins meant for BDSM but they’re a bit pricey.


Putting them on is as fun as taking them off, but remember one important thing…

Taking them off hurts MORE than putting them on. This comes from the blood rushing back to the area. Some love it, some hate it, some are meh. It depends on the bottom.

As for actual removal, I would recommend just gently removing them (unclamping) if you’re just starting out. After you’re more comfortable with the experience, you can flog them off, whip them off, flick them, or use a ZIPPER!


Pins are attached to a piece of string or rope so when you tug at it they all pop off one after the other. It can make for some very intense pain, pleasure, and fun.

NOTE: Once the pins are on – they MUST, at some point, come off. So if the bottom uses their safety word, you’re in a bit of a pickle. The best way is to just remove them by hand (no zipper pulling) and give them serious aftercare – including discussions on how to avoid a similar painful situation in the future – although, if you just slowly work your way up to these points, it would be rare to run into this situation.


Some feel intense pain (more than the pin going on). Others feel a rush of endorphins and wonderful, warm fuzzy feelings. Some cry. A few say that the areas become hypersensitive afterward – so blowing on the area or caressing it can produce additional physical reactions.


Don’t leave pins on for more than 15-20 minutes

Don’t get pins with teeth, if you use a zipper it could tear skin off

Sand off wooden clips from anything that might splinter

Do not put clips on the clit (too delicate)

Do leave them on for shorter times if you’re a beginner

Watch for blue discoloration of the skin

Watch for coldness or numbness

Be careful around piercings

*pic is of a zipper

Cultivating Dominance

By: Sean Lind

While you are acting as yourself, the scene you build is that of you holding utter, ultimate, control. It’s about using them as a toy to please you. The scene puts you above the sub in all aspects, physically and emotionally. However, if you make the scenes and choices purely about you, your desires as a Dom, then you are walking a dangerous road to failure.

Most people balk at the idea of hitting, slapping, choking, ragdolling their partner for fear of hurting them. If this is you, congratulate yourself. Causing pain, fear, anxiety, and distress to someone you love goes against everything you should hold dear. And this is the way it should always be, for the reality. It’s your job as a Dominant, and a partner to protect and encourage your sub.

But when it comes to the scene, the rules of reality no longer apply. When a sub asks, or begs, you to hurt them, or choke them, or pull their hair, then the best choice you can make, for your sub, is to give them what they desire in that scene. The line you have to walk is giving them enough punishment to sate, without causing any serious, lasting harm.

Where this line is drawn will be different for every person, in every relationship. Many people don’t want to be bruised or marked in any way. Some want nothing more than to feel sore for weeks to come. It’s up to you to make sure you are following the two rules of sadism in BDSM:

  1. No matter what your sub thinks, or says, they want, it’s your job to know when to say no. If your sub asks you to punch them in the face and leave them with a black eye (this is an extreme example), chances are your sub is caught up in the moment, and giving in to this request would negatively affect their life (and possibly yours) in the days to follow. It’s never okay to cause lasting future harm for current gratification.
  2. The second rule is to understand the line between kinky sex play and domestic abuse. If you slap your partner because nothing you could do would turn them on more in the moment, then you are making a great choice. If you hit your partner because you’re upset, and are blowing off steam, that is abuse, pure and simple.

Despite being the Dom and being in control, you never get to give in to your own emotions, and act purely on your own desires. Playing with a sub is not about you, it’s about them. It’s about giving your sub what they need, and having the strength to take it as far as you need, and no farther.

What you need to understand is that the human body is incredibly resilient. With just a few pointers, it’s easy to avoid ever going too far hurting someone, without having to wimp out, and not give your sub the punishment they crave:

  • Start low and slow, and ramp up. If you don’t know how aggressive you need to be, start low and slowly increase the intensity until you reach the desired level.
  • Choose your spots carefully. The fleshy part of the ass can take an incredible amount of punishment, but skin over bone can not. You should never be hitting someone on the spine, the back of the head, the eyes. You should never be using a solid, hard, toy on ribs. The goal is to punish them, not to destroy them.
  • It’s better, and safer, to increase duration rather than intensity. If you want to spank your sub until they cry, you don’t need to start swinging as hard as you can. Instead you can just find a good solid slap, and continue until the pain grows unbearable. The more you spank the same spot, the more it’s going to hurt. By the end you can be swinging softer than you were in the middle, but causing twice as much agony.
  • You want to be smooth. When you’re pulling hair, you’re grabbing it near the base, and applying smooth constant pressure. Healthy hair can support the entire weight of a human body, but any jerking or twisting can have terrible results. Smooth and constant.
  • Never use any toys on the face. Be careful with slapping the face as well, it’s very easy to miss, hitting cheekbones, jaws, or eyes. In addition a face-slap has far more of an emotional reaction than you may expect. Sometimes it will be negative, others positive.

Finally, you want to embrace the glory of safe words. The standard safe words are ‘yellow’ and ‘red’.

Yellow: This means your sub is reaching the end of their rope, no longer enjoying this particular sensation, and doesn’t want it to continue.

When you get a yellow, it’s your job to understand exactly why they safe-worded, and then move on with the scene. Always choose something contrasting to move to. If you’re beating on your sub’s ass and they say yellow, start giving them pleasure instead. Reward your subs for saying yellow, if they feel they need to say it, then it’s important you hear it.

Red: This is the vanilla equivalent of ‘No’ ‘Stop’ and ‘Don’t’. A scene ends on red, always.

Chances are, if you’re being a responsible Dom, you will never hear red spoken. But there are situations where it will happen, especially if your sub suffers from anxiety or panic attacks. If you get a red, the only thing left to do is have an honest discussion, and provide the amount of comfort your sub needs. You should never continue a scene after hearing red, and you should probably never consider starting again that same night. Take red very seriously.

If you use these safewords, you can relax knowing they’re your safety net. If your sub asks you to spank them, and once you start they start to cry and say “no, it hurts, no more, stop” the reality says it’s time to stop, you’ve gone too far. But the scene is different, for many subs this is the sexiest part, being forced to take it after it stops being fun, being spanked past the point of tears and sobs.

If you trust your sub, and are confident they know and will use a safeword if they need it, then saying “no more, stop, it hurts” is part of the scene. If your sub actually needs you to stop, they will say ‘yellow.’ This means what you are doing is correct, you’re hurting them as much as they need to be hurt at this time.

As with anything in BDSM, everything you have read here is contingent on an extremely large amount of trust and communication with your partner. If your sub wants to use a safeword, but doesn’t out of fear, that’s a very big problem. If you don’t have complete trust between the two of you, you should not be pushing any limits in BDSM, in any way.

The final note is this: in many parts of the world, everything I have just talked about in this post is technically illegal.

It doesn’t matter if your sub asks for it. It doesn’t matter if you fill out a contract, explicitly stating exactly what they want from you. In North America, for example, physically attacking another human is illegal. There is no form of consent which can usurp a law.

Let me be perfectly clear: it is absolutely possible for a sub to ask you to beat them, enjoy every second of it, thank you when you are done, and then go to the police and charge you with criminal assault.

For this reason you need to be careful to never play with anyone you don’t fully trust. This is one reason we stress vetting so much. While BDSM is morally and ethically justifiable and downright beautiful when done correctly, laws are often times not on our side.


Coprophilia comes from two Greek words meaning “excrement fondness” and is the official name for the fetish involving sexual arousal and pleasure using poop. This fetish is often one of the fastest to land on a hard limit list although many people also often enjoy other kinks that come in close contact with feces. I believe it commonly gets on that hard limit list so quickly because of two things: lack of education and social stigma.

Let’s briefly touch on social stigma first before I do a some education on different types of Coprophilia play (some that you might be shocked that you actually do!). When people say they are into kink they often throw out a handful of hard limits and it’s usually something like “kids, animals, piss and scat” or some variation of those. They usually don’t say why those are their limits and often times don’t really have any other reason other than “those things are all gross!”

Everything outside of consent is automatically considered off limits within BDSM. Consent is the reason why kids, animals, and dead people are hard limits. They cannot give consent so therefore they are automatically hard limits. If we put anything else on our hard limit list we need to know why it is on it. Saying something is gross is classic 100% kink shaming. For anything that is able to be done within consent, gross isn’t a good reason because it often translates that the people who do those things are gross people.

Perhaps something is a limit because it doesn’t appear to be something you would enjoy. Or it is something you don’t feel is safe for you. Or it is something you are afraid of. Or it is something you tried and did not like. Or it is related to something traumatic that was done to you. Those are all valid reasons for a hard limit. Just be sure whatever the reason is (and there are many others), that it is not related to kink shaming.

So let’s look at different types of kink that involve aspects of coprophilia. Anal, rimming, and ass to mouth are three types of play that involve an area of the body that comes in direct contact with feces. Anal play can involve all kinds of other kinks too. Anything to do with anal play involves playing with the anus, the sphincter muscles, and/or the rectum. No matter what you do, there is no way to guarantee that those areas are totally clean. If you regularly play in that area you will encounter some fecal matter at one time or another. And if you regularly put your mouth near that area or objects that have been in that area, you will likely ingest some form of feces at one time or another. If you enjoy those kinks, it’s no big deal! Keep enjoying them, be as clean as you can and don’t worry about it!

Scat play can be done a variety of ways. Most commonly it is having your partner push excrement out of the body onto some part of your body. The hands, stomach, chest, or genitals are common areas. Often times to do scat safely, plastic wrap is used to cover the receiving person’s body. Just as in wax play, one can feel warmth through the plastic wrap so it is a similar connection to having the feces directly on the skin. Yet no pathogens are passed in the process and cleanup is easier. It is uncommon for scat play to involve ingesting feces. Some do it, yet there are numerous risks involved because feces is a way our body exits pathogens and other bacteria out of our system.

Scat play can be simulated altogether. There are numerous foods and other substances, like clay for example, that hold warmth and have similar texture to feces. Simulating it can be a very primal experience for both partners. While considered edgeplay due to its risks, scat play is often sensual, primal, and about the feelings of connection. It also can be part of humiliation and degradation play.

It’s still fine if it belongs on your hard limit list. Like every other consensual kink, it isn’t for everyone. All kinks have risks and someone thinks the things you are into don’t appear to be things they would enjoy. Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to share some education on this commonly misunderstood kink.