bdsm

Can you tell me ways to serve my Dom?

By: Sharon Lynn

“How can I submit to bring out my Dom’s dominance/make them more Dominant”

We can’t and you can’t.

Someone commented once It’s only service if the Dom wants it.

And that’s 100% true.

I’ll repeat that

It’s only service if the Dom wants it.

Sir likes certain things as service from how I greet Him in the morning, how I send Him to work, how I keep the house, and our evening routine.

I know what He wants because He has communicated that to me.

“I want you waiting by the side of the bed after you pack my lunch”

“I want you to text me when you leave the house”

“I want you to ask permission to sleep in My bed at night”

These are a couple of the things He has told me He wants me to do.

Other D types may not care about this. So if an sub asked their Dom “Sir/Ma’am , May I sleep in the bed tonight”

They will get an idgaf look.

It’s only service if they want it.

So groups can’t answer ways for them how to serve their Dom.

It’s one of the true parts of every dynamic is different..,

Cultivating Dominance

By: Sean Lind

While you are acting as yourself, the scene you build is that of you holding utter, ultimate, control. It’s about using them as a toy to please you. The scene puts you above the sub in all aspects, physically and emotionally. However, if you make the scenes and choices purely about you, your desires as a Dom, then you are walking a dangerous road to failure.

Most people balk at the idea of hitting, slapping, choking, ragdolling their partner for fear of hurting them. If this is you, congratulate yourself. Causing pain, fear, anxiety, and distress to someone you love goes against everything you should hold dear. And this is the way it should always be, for the reality. It’s your job as a Dominant, and a partner to protect and encourage your sub.

But when it comes to the scene, the rules of reality no longer apply. When a sub asks, or begs, you to hurt them, or choke them, or pull their hair, then the best choice you can make, for your sub, is to give them what they desire in that scene. The line you have to walk is giving them enough punishment to sate, without causing any serious, lasting harm.

Where this line is drawn will be different for every person, in every relationship. Many people don’t want to be bruised or marked in any way. Some want nothing more than to feel sore for weeks to come. It’s up to you to make sure you are following the two rules of sadism in BDSM:

  1. No matter what your sub thinks, or says, they want, it’s your job to know when to say no. If your sub asks you to punch them in the face and leave them with a black eye (this is an extreme example), chances are your sub is caught up in the moment, and giving in to this request would negatively affect their life (and possibly yours) in the days to follow. It’s never okay to cause lasting future harm for current gratification.
  2. The second rule is to understand the line between kinky sex play and domestic abuse. If you slap your partner because nothing you could do would turn them on more in the moment, then you are making a great choice. If you hit your partner because you’re upset, and are blowing off steam, that is abuse, pure and simple.

Despite being the Dom and being in control, you never get to give in to your own emotions, and act purely on your own desires. Playing with a sub is not about you, it’s about them. It’s about giving your sub what they need, and having the strength to take it as far as you need, and no farther.

What you need to understand is that the human body is incredibly resilient. With just a few pointers, it’s easy to avoid ever going too far hurting someone, without having to wimp out, and not give your sub the punishment they crave:

  • Start low and slow, and ramp up. If you don’t know how aggressive you need to be, start low and slowly increase the intensity until you reach the desired level.
  • Choose your spots carefully. The fleshy part of the ass can take an incredible amount of punishment, but skin over bone can not. You should never be hitting someone on the spine, the back of the head, the eyes. You should never be using a solid, hard, toy on ribs. The goal is to punish them, not to destroy them.
  • It’s better, and safer, to increase duration rather than intensity. If you want to spank your sub until they cry, you don’t need to start swinging as hard as you can. Instead you can just find a good solid slap, and continue until the pain grows unbearable. The more you spank the same spot, the more it’s going to hurt. By the end you can be swinging softer than you were in the middle, but causing twice as much agony.
  • You want to be smooth. When you’re pulling hair, you’re grabbing it near the base, and applying smooth constant pressure. Healthy hair can support the entire weight of a human body, but any jerking or twisting can have terrible results. Smooth and constant.
  • Never use any toys on the face. Be careful with slapping the face as well, it’s very easy to miss, hitting cheekbones, jaws, or eyes. In addition a face-slap has far more of an emotional reaction than you may expect. Sometimes it will be negative, others positive.

Finally, you want to embrace the glory of safe words. The standard safe words are ‘yellow’ and ‘red’.

Yellow: This means your sub is reaching the end of their rope, no longer enjoying this particular sensation, and doesn’t want it to continue.

When you get a yellow, it’s your job to understand exactly why they safe-worded, and then move on with the scene. Always choose something contrasting to move to. If you’re beating on your sub’s ass and they say yellow, start giving them pleasure instead. Reward your subs for saying yellow, if they feel they need to say it, then it’s important you hear it.

Red: This is the vanilla equivalent of ‘No’ ‘Stop’ and ‘Don’t’. A scene ends on red, always.

Chances are, if you’re being a responsible Dom, you will never hear red spoken. But there are situations where it will happen, especially if your sub suffers from anxiety or panic attacks. If you get a red, the only thing left to do is have an honest discussion, and provide the amount of comfort your sub needs. You should never continue a scene after hearing red, and you should probably never consider starting again that same night. Take red very seriously.

If you use these safewords, you can relax knowing they’re your safety net. If your sub asks you to spank them, and once you start they start to cry and say “no, it hurts, no more, stop” the reality says it’s time to stop, you’ve gone too far. But the scene is different, for many subs this is the sexiest part, being forced to take it after it stops being fun, being spanked past the point of tears and sobs.

If you trust your sub, and are confident they know and will use a safeword if they need it, then saying “no more, stop, it hurts” is part of the scene. If your sub actually needs you to stop, they will say ‘yellow.’ This means what you are doing is correct, you’re hurting them as much as they need to be hurt at this time.

As with anything in BDSM, everything you have read here is contingent on an extremely large amount of trust and communication with your partner. If your sub wants to use a safeword, but doesn’t out of fear, that’s a very big problem. If you don’t have complete trust between the two of you, you should not be pushing any limits in BDSM, in any way.

The final note is this: in many parts of the world, everything I have just talked about in this post is technically illegal.

It doesn’t matter if your sub asks for it. It doesn’t matter if you fill out a contract, explicitly stating exactly what they want from you. In North America, for example, physically attacking another human is illegal. There is no form of consent which can usurp a law.

Let me be perfectly clear: it is absolutely possible for a sub to ask you to beat them, enjoy every second of it, thank you when you are done, and then go to the police and charge you with criminal assault.

For this reason you need to be careful to never play with anyone you don’t fully trust. This is one reason we stress vetting so much. While BDSM is morally and ethically justifiable and downright beautiful when done correctly, laws are often times not on our side.

Three Views Of Consent

Consent: Knowing WHO will be involved, WHAT you will be doing, WHERE it’s okay to touch and not touch, WHEN there’s a health issue or risk of injury, WHY you are doing this together, HOW you can stop what’s happening.

CONSENT this is a must in the BDSM lifestyle. Consent will look different in the different types of dynamics. Consent is a personal thing, just like your kinks. You might not consent to the same things another D-type or s-type consents to. DONT let someone in this lifestyle tell you if you dont consent to X you are not a real (insert role). That is toxic manipulation and a huge 🚩.
What consent do you practice personally or in your dynamic?
Comment below any discussion or questions you might have.

This article goes over Blanket, Continual and Mixed consent.

Three Views Of Consent
Author: Raven Shadowborne © 2000

In BDSM consent is a major issue. Almost everyone can agree that consent must take place for any BDSM activity or relationship to be BDSM and not abuse.

The part which causes confusion is “When does consent take place?”. For some people, it is BLANKET consent. For other people consent is a continual process.
Lastly, there are some people with a mix of both views in their lives.

▪️”Blanket consent” is basically saying, “From this point on, I consent to everything and anything you might choose to do to or with me”. This kind of consent is most commonly found in a Master/slave relationship, starting with the placement of the collar.
However, it can be found in Dominant/submissive relationships as well. There does not need to be a collar involved for some submissives to give this consent, just the commitment and devotion to a particular dominant.
Most relationships that are long term, will reach a point of blanket consent given enough time.
This happens because experience has allowed the submissive to reach a deep and all encompassing level of trust in the dominant. And thus the submissive feels safe in giving blanket consent.

▪️”Blanket consent” should never be given without a high level of knowledge of the dominant.
In relationships (such as m/s) there is a great deal of communication, negotiation and learning that takes place before the slave gives blanket consent and accepts the collar.
During this learning process, the people involved learn about each others likes and dislikes, expectations, and more. From this knowledge, comes the information necessary to make the informed choice to give blanket consent.
Anyone will tell you not to give blanket consent to someone that desires things you are against or prefer not to do. Never give blanket consent to someone you do not have a good working knowledge of.

▪️”Continual consent” is basically saying that the submissive or bottom must consent each time the dominant gives an order.
This school of thought believes a submissive can withdraw their consent at any time, for whatever reason. Some believe consent can only be withdrawn under certain circumstances such as the dominant wants to try a new implement the submissive has no experience with.
▪️”Continual consent” need not be a verbal “yes I will” or “yes you can” from the submissive. Many take the obedience of the submissive to be silent consent. This silent manner of consent can be said to exist in blanket consent as well, except for one thing, in blanket consent the choice is not to follow an order or refuse, it is follow the order or leave the relationship in many cases. In continual consent, the sub would have the right to follow the order, or refuse the order.

▪️”Continual consent” is most often found in a top / bottom relationship or play partner arrangement. It can be found in a number of dominant/submissive relationships as well. Continual consent places much of the control over what occurs in the hands of the submissive, not the dominant.
This places the decision of what will be done and what won’t completely in the submissive’s hands. For some, this is a perfectly legitimate form of power exchange. Again, exhaustive knowledge of one’s partner is required before the choice to consent can be made.

▪️”Mixed consent”, for lack of a better term, is a bit of both blanket consent and continual consent. Basically it means that the submissive consents to anything the dominant does within the boundaries of prior discussed activities. If something new should arise, the submissive must consent for the new activity.
Mixed consent could also be taken to mean that the sub has the right to call a time out to discuss a new activity. The request for such discussion is not usually viewed as an outright no. This form of consent is often found in any BDSM type of relationship because it most closely follows what may actually occur in real life.
▪️”Mixed consent” takes into consideration from the get go, that there are probably activities a person won’t do now but may do later on. It allows for prior knowledge of pushing limits. Like blanket consent, exhaustive knowledge of one’s partner is a must before consent is given.
📢Consent in BDSM is not just a do it or don’t do it thing. With the varying styles of relationships comes varying styles of consent. How one chooses to consent is up to them and their partner but it is an absolute must for any BDSM relationship.

Common Words to get you Started

BDSM: represents a continuum of practices and expressions, both erotic and non-erotic, involving restraint, sensory stimulation, role-playing, and a variety of interpersonal dynamics. The term BDSM is an abbreviation of: Bondage/Discipline; SadoMasochism.

Dominant and submissive: (Dom and sub or D-type and s-type) are terms that relate to behaviors linked to personality traits; you could as easily substitute the terms leader and follower.

Dom and Domme: the shorthand male and female version of the word dominant. Generally, Dom can be of either gender. When the topic specifically concerns a female dominant use Domme.

FetLife.com: “Fet” as it is called, is the go-to source for just about anything these days. It is the “Facebook” for kinksters. There are discussion groups for just about any topic you can think of and an extensive worldwide event listing by city.

Gor: short for Gorean—a subculture that grew out of the science fiction novels of John Norman based on a belief that in the natural order of things, males are inherently dominant over females.

Hard Limit: Something you won’t do during a scene.

Soft Limit: Something you are on the fence on, you may like it, you may not, but you are willing to give it a try

Kinky: slang for people who enjoy adventuresome sex, which is, itself, a euphemism for BDSM.

Leather, Leathermen, Leathersex: The Leather subculture is one of many facets of semi-organized alternative sexuality. In recent decades the Leather community has almost come to be viewed as a subset of BDSM culture rather than a descendant of gay culture.

Master and slave: usually applied to a 24/7 relationship structure wherein the subordinate person (slave) has surrendered authority over themselves and pledged to serve and to obey their Master who now exerts total control and offers total protection for this person.

Munch: Munches are intended to be non-threatening social gatherings, often held in a vanilla space with food, to help those who are curious about BDSM meet others who may be able to help them become more comfortable and better informed. Munches can also be a place to get advice about BDSM experiences.

Negotiating/negotiations: The process of determining what will and will not go on in a play scene—or in a relationship. As some people consider the scene to start with negotiations, this is not a time to be interrupted.

Old Guard: A term used to describe a near-mythical time in gay Leather history when returned soldiers from World War II blended some features of their military experiences with their kinky interests to produce a subculture that over time became known as Leather. Some of the echoes of their rules of protocol, inclusion, and exclusion can still be seen in today’s BDSM society.

Power Exchange or Authority Exchange relationships: Relationships where one person is clearly the leader and the other is clearly subordinate.

  • Dominant/submissive (D/s)
  • Caregiver/little (CG/l)
  • Master/slave (M/s)
  • Owner/property (O/p)
  • TPE (Total Power Exchange).

Sadism: in psychiatry, the condition in which sexual gratification depends on causing pain or degradation to others.

Sadomasochism (SM): The psychological tendency or sexual practice characterized by both sadism and masochism.

SM play/scenes: activities between two or more people of any gender that involve giving and receiving sensations such as spanking, flogging, whipping, etc. for their mutual and consensual enjoyment.

SM techniques: methods such as spanking, whipping, bondage, or electro-stimulation that sadists may use to cause masochists to feel the desired sensations.

Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC): A slogan used to summarize the minimal physical/psychological conditions most people consider acceptable for SM play to take place.

Safe-call: a procedure used when meeting someone for the first time (or even when meeting someone that you don’t know well) that ensures that someone else knows what you’re doing, where you’ll be doing it, and that you are safely.

Safe words: Words play participants will use in order to keep things safe, sane, and consensual.

An example of safe words used by many in the BDSM community include:

  • Green – The scene is going well.
  • Yellow – Keep doing what you are doing, but ease up a little on the intensity.
  • Orange – We need to move into another activity. This activity is not working. (Not a common safe word)
  • Red – We need to stop the scene now

Sex-role stereotyping: The general public stereotype is that Doms are men with sadistic/Top preferences and that submissives are women who have masochistic/bottom preferences. These are stereotypes and are far from the way roles are practiced within this culture. In reality, Dominants can be male or female, masochists or sadists and of any sexual orientation. So can submissives.

Switch—common use: someone who enjoys being either the Top or the bottom; enjoys giving or receiving physical SM stimulation. Among Leathermen, activity switches are sometimes referred to as versatile.

Switch—less common use: someone who is willing to take either the leadership or subordinate role in a relationship depending upon the chemistry or connection within that particular partner—dominant in one relationship and subordinate (not necessarily submissive) with the other. This is often an advanced and controversial topic.

Top: the person doing the action.

Top/bottom: sensation play with SM toys/tools—no psychological dynamic, no power exchange. Top and bottom are terms that relate to physical action only. The Top spanks the bottom. The Top or the bottom may be a dominant person or a submissive person of either gender. Top and bottom only describe scene specific roles while dominant and submissive describe relationship behaviors. The decision to Top or to bottom is only a decision of which person wishes to receive sensations that the tools/toys produce when handled by someone who has been properly trained.

Vanilla: The term used by those of us who practice BDSM for those who do not practice BDSM or activities outside of the scope of BDSM. It’s not a pejorative term, simply a descriptor. Typical uses: vanilla sex, vanilla relationship, etc.

Consent and Communication

You have to talk about what you intend to do to someone—and that person has to agree that they think that what you’re planning on doing to them is a good idea. This is called negotiation. It is considered highly unethical for a Top to do something to a bottom in a play scene that has not been pre-negotiated. Reputations can be lost in a moment if a Top does something to a bottom that hadn’t been negotiated—even if they’ve been partners for years.

Consent is an agreement to participate in any BDSM activity. Before being sexual or doing BDSM with someone, you need to know if they want to be involved with you too. It’s also important to be honest with your partner about what you want and don’t want. Consenting and asking for consent are all about setting your personal boundaries and respecting those of your partner — and checking in if things aren’t clear. Both people must agree to it, every single time for it to be consensual.

  • Freely given. Consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
  • Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime. Even if you’ve done it before, and even if you’re both in the middle of a play scene.
  • Informed. You can only consent to something if you have the full story. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, there isn’t full consent.
  • Enthusiastic. When it comes to any type of play, you should only do stuff you WANT to do, not things that you feel you’re expected to do.
  • Specific. Saying yes to one thing doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others.

The age of sexual consent is how old a person needs to be in order to be considered legally capable of consenting. This is why all BDSM is for adults.

Basic Bodywriting

This is a task to help explore humiliation. Humiliation is a very subjective and personal experience – different for everyone – what might be humiliation to some is not to others. Also, some find the experience to be arousing while others do not. This task is set up to help a submissive discover their own experience with humiliation, and I hope you find it useful. The task will take place over three consecutive days, so when you accept or request the assignment, be sure you can complete it within seven days and you are able to perform for three consecutive days.

Items Needed:

Sharpie Pen, lipstick, or similar

Timer

Pen and paper

Sex Toys (optional for Day 3)

Rules:

You must be honest, both about what you choose as your humiliating phrase/words, but also as you keep your record. Any masturbation must be done manually. No toys, vibrators, etc. allowed., except on Day 3. If you feel you are likely to forget your body writing during the course of the day, you may wear a ribbon around your wrist to help remind you. That is optional, of course.

Task:

The first thing you should do is think about what, at the present moment, is the most humiliating thing you could be called by someone else. This should be something that doesn’t hit a limit of yours, but that is something you find to be humiliating and hopefully oddly arousing. Obviously this will differ between individuals. Got it? OK, we’re going to be writing it down…

Day 1:

First thing in the morning, you will kneel naked in the Nadu position for 15 minutes, contemplating the task ahead and the phrase you have selected. You will then write the phrase or words you have chosen on your abdomen with the sharpie pen or lipstick. When you have finished, you will lie on your back with your legs spread wide apart and you will masturbate (manual only, no toys!) to full climax. As you do so, you will also continuously utter the phrase written on your body as you masturbate as if you are speaking to your dominant, saying, “I am your ________ ” etc. Have fun with it and see how many ways you can enjoy what you are for your dominant as you pleasure yourself for them. Pay attention to your feelings as you mark yourself and as you experience the pleasure of your orgasm after you have written your personal humiliation on your body. After you have climaxed, you will not wash yourself, but you will dress and go about your day. As you go through your day, you will keep with you a pen and paper and you will record whenever your thoughts turn to the task or the phrase written on your body. If you think about it all day, that only counts as one time, so be honest with your record. Whenever your mind returns from your daily life to the task or your humiliation, make note and keep track. At the end of the day, you will tally the number of times you have thought about it. Prior to going to sleep, you will again kneel in Nadu position for 15 minutes and you will contemplate your experience during the day. After 15 minutes, you will lie on your back with your legs spread wide and you will masturbate for only as long as your tally. You will also utter the phrase out loud in the same manner as before, again enjoying what you are for your dominant’s pleasure. You may orgasm, but only if you can accomplish that within the time you earned. When your time is up, you will wash your body clean of your writing, and then you will write your report. Your report should include your feelings about the task and the feelings you experienced as you went through the act of writing on yourself, the masturbation and the thoughts you had during the day.

Day 2:

You will perform the task as on Day 1, except today you will NOT masturbate after you have written your phrase on your body. You will again keep track of the number of times your thoughts turned to the task or the writing on your body. Just prior to retiring for the night, you will kneel in Nadu position for 15 minutes, then you will lie on your back with legs spread wide and you will masturbate for only as long as the day’s tally. You will again utter the phrase out loud as on Day 1 while you masturbate. The same rules apply – you may climax if that is accomplished within the time period designated by the tally. Again, wash your body clean and then write your report. How was today different from Day 1?

Day 3:

This time you will kneel in Nadu position for 15 minutes and you will neither write the phrase nor will you masturbate. You will, however, continue to maintain your record of the number of times your thoughts turn to the task and/or the phrase or words you have chosen. At the end of the day you will kneel in Nadu position for 15 minutes, then you will write the phrase on your body. Then you will masturbate as before, crying out the phrase as before. You are permitted to climax as many times as the tally for Day 3. Can you meet the challenge? It is your reward as well as a way to engage in the pleasure of your own Humiliation Daze! I hope you had fun and I look forward to your reports.

Special Info:

Nadu: The submissive kneels before his/her Master/Mistress, head up, chin straight, eyes lowered, knees spread wide open, shoulders back keeping back straight (or arched slightly), breasts thrust outward. Hands lie on her thighs, palms facing upward.

Reports:

Reports for this task are to be made daily (minimum 300 words), as the last act of the day. Reports should detail your feelings throughout the day during all parts of the task. Pay close attention to, and attempt to describe in your report the sensation of humiliation and arousal. Photos are encouraged and desired if you would like to share them.

Safety Considerations:

When kneeling, you can do so on a soft surface, but if you have knee problems you might avoid the task or modify your pose. Also, in keeping your tally throughout the day, obviously you won’t want to do it while driving, so be safe!

Source: dominalex.wordpress*com/tag/bdsm-assignments/

Beautifully Bound on Collaring

Sully from Beautifully Bound Leather wrote this a few years back, its short and to the point. She has a educational blog, and makes custom collars as well. Worth checking out.

This was written in 2015, and is still an issue today.

What are your thoughts on this? Questions?

*i just want to add that this was wrote a while back, and from Sully’s perspective so the D-type is male and the s-type is female. Of course you can change that to fit your own gender and your own dynamic, the meaning still stands.

Does Wearing a Collar Mean the Same Thing Any More?

Article link: https://blog.beautifullybound.com.au/…/does-wearing-a…

What is happening?

Although kinky folk are very welcoming of their own kind…those new to the lifestyle, who have done no learning at all and are quickly creating their own rules. This scares me…in a short space of time, this will be the new ‘normal’ way of doing things.

This morning I read about a new sub, who was happy she got to 7 months in her relationship (the average was 4 months) and wanted her Dom to give her money for a pretty collar she had her eye on. She was shocked when her Dom said no.

NEW SUBS!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???

Would you force a vanilla man to buy you an engagement ring if he had not asked you to even marry him? No, that is mental, you look like an idiot.

Would you buy yourself a collar & wear it all proudly for the world to see? No, because if it was not GIVEN by an actual Dom… it’s just a necklace like everyone else has. It means nothing.

You can not force a Dom to collar you

You can not ASK a Dom to collar you

You can not buy a collar…give it to him, then make him put it on you. (Yes…this happen a LOT)

If you are lucky enough to get a real collar, this is a commitment HE has made to you…Because he WANTED to.

That collar remains HIS, it is not yours. He can take it away at any time, it belongs to HIM.

Keep in mind that a Dom may never give a collar to anyone. Some like to constantly learn and master their own selves before they would even THINK of mastering someone else. A Dom like this, when he does give a collar, will know that HIS collar is given to a worthy sub he will dedicate his time to…and expect that in return.

People seriously, there are a lot of us who take the gift of a collar very seriously, it could be a ribbon, simple chain or a traditional one that locks…it doesn’t matter. It’s the fact that HE has given it that means something. We have been together for 17 years. He has not collared me. I have NEVER asked and never forced the subject. This is his choice and I am totally ok with it. No tanties are thrown over it. He knows I’m not going anywhere.

Newbies, please be respectful of those older in the lifestyle. We have sore faces from all the facepalms we do. If you are 19 and demanding a collar…just go & be 19 and come back when you are grown up. The average age in a BDSM relationship is the late 30’s onwards.

Sully

Beautifully Bound

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