Darkness & Light

Subspace? 

Have we had it wrong this whole time?

We have gone over what subspace is, and how to get there (Recently did a review on the subspace webinar). At the beginning of the webinar they mentioned 2 different ways to get into “subspace”. The first one mentioned was the most common way talked about, from pain. I’m not going to go into the science of it, there is a great article in this group just search subspace. 

The second way is described as “Self-Awareness via sexual scripts”. The person hosting the webinar also called it “headspace”. So I started doing research on this. It is true, some kinks/scenes will put you into a headspace that will give you a subspace feel, you get the floaty high, time skipping, can’t really speak, limited movement, mind quiets…subspace. The examples i have found, and some the webinar mentioned was bondage (rope space), pet play (not role playing a pet, but taking on the mindset of a pet..very different), service sub or 1950s Domestic Dominance (DD) (sub-space), serving your D-type/submitting (sub-space), age play while serving/submitting (little space) and bootblacking (i couldn’t find the “space” name for it, but similar to service sub but Leather). 

These are all headspaces that are caused from a chemical release in the brain. Different acts cause different chemicals. Without getting into too much of the science, here is one example, bondage. Being bound in rope will cause your brain to release oxytocin (same as being hugged) and this will cause a feel good headspace very similar to that we call subspace. All of those different types of headspaces also cause drops as well, because your body is now wanting the increased chemical and the “high” from the headspace we were just experiencing.

So with all of that said, many many years ago, whoever coined the phrase “subspace” got it wrong. Technically it should be called masochist space, or even bottom space would have been more accurate than subspace. As you do not have to be a sub to actually get into subspace, you have to be a masochist and receive pain.  TNG isn’t completely wrong when they say they are getting “subspace” from submitting. They just aren’t getting into what we call subspace. From what I read subspace from pain is the most intense with higher highs, but that also comes with lower lows. Rope space being the next with the intensity and depth of the space that they go into. I have known some rope bottoms that said they get a “high” from bondage, but had never been in subspace so they couldn’t compare the two. Now i cant speak for the subs claiming they are getting into subspace from doing tasks(without pain), but a small task is not enough. Just being owned/claimed is also not enough. Just like a few spankings can’t get us into subspace, it takes time and repeated actions to release those chemicals to achieve any form of sub/head space. 

I’m not trying to change anything (even though it needs it), but I do have a better understanding of sub/head spaces. I also like to figure out how/why TNG got the ideas/beliefs they have (especially the incorrect ones). What are your thoughts on this? Have you been in any of the other headspaces? How did you get there and how did it feel?

For those that are new in this lifestyle, if i could offer you some very important advice. When first getting into this lifestyle, please take the time to educate yourself BEFORE looking for a partner. Things like …Do you want a dynamic? Do you want kink…which kinks? What kinks are a big NO, what kinks are huge turn-ons? What position do you want in a dynamic? What identity do you connect with? Knowing what these are.. Safe call, vetting, safeword, hard and soft limits, consent, power exchange (basic bdsm 101 stuff) There are so many parts of BDSM you need to learn and understand (understanding being the more important one) before jumping in. How can you be a good Dominant if you dont reallly understand what that is? How can you think you are submitting if you dont understand what that actually means? How can you be a Top if you dont understand the dos and donts of that kink? You are setting yourself and your potential up for failure and putting yourself in a potentially dangerous position.

[i just want to add that this doesnt really apply to those already in a relationship and is adding BDSM. You still need to educate yourself on the same stuff…you just already have a partner.

For those that are new in this lifestyle, if i could offer you some very important advice. When first getting into this lifestyle, please take the time to educate yourself BEFORE looking for a partner. Things like …Do you want a dynamic? Do you want kink…which kinks? What kinks are a big NO, what kinks are huge turn-ons? What position do you want in a dynamic? What identity do you connect with? Knowing what these are.. Safe call, vetting, safeword, hard and soft limits, consent, power exchange (basic bdsm 101 stuff) There are so many parts of BDSM you need to learn and understand (understanding being the more important one) before jumping in. How can you be a good Dominant if you dont reallly understand what that is? How can you think you are submitting if you dont understand what that actually means? How can you be a Top if you dont understand the dos and donts of that kink? You are setting yourself and your potential up for failure and putting yourself in a potentially dangerous position.

[i just want to add that this doesnt really apply to those already in a relationship and is adding BDSM. You still need to educate yourself on the same stuff…you just already have a partner.

Do we need to be trained?

The last couple of days I’ve been searching for ideas for discussion topics and I’ve noticed something that keeps getting brought up, being trained. When I say trained, I’m not talking about how your D-type wants their drink, or dinner, where and how you are supposed to sit, etc. Those activities are different with each D-type, and can even differ with each dynamic (if they have more than one partner), so yes you would have to be trained how to serve THAT Dom.

The discussions i am seeing are things like “what task can i do to help me from talking back to my Dom”, “what gag can i use to help me not smart off at my Dom” “my Dom required me to ask permission to speak, but i always forget”

The common thing with all of these (tons more than what i put here, but you get the point) ask how do i act respectful and submissive to my Dom. So those that claim to be submissive, do you really need to be trained to not smart off, act up, be disrespectful, break rules, etc? Shouldn’t that just come with being a decent human being?

I didn’t have to be trained to be a nice person to my Dom, to be respectful, to think of Him in my actions. I really don’t understand the need for this level of training, subs aren’t some wild beast that needs to be captured and trained in being a human. Maybe I’m missing something, but I don’t get it. So what are your thoughts on this? Experience in this? Questions?

If you know a sub who needs character training, we recently did a podcast on the subject. Please share it with them!
BDSM United Podcast

Do we need to be trained?

The last couple of days I’ve been searching for ideas for discussion topics and I’ve noticed something that keeps getting brought up, being trained. When I say trained, I’m not talking about how your D-type wants their drink, or dinner, where and how you are supposed to sit, etc. Those activities are different with each D-type, and can even differ with each dynamic (if they have more than one partner), so yes you would have to be trained how to serve THAT Dom.

The discussions i am seeing are things like “what task can i do to help me from talking back to my Dom”, “what gag can i use to help me not smart off at my Dom” “my Dom required me to ask permission to speak, but i always forget”

The common thing with all of these (tons more than what i put here, but you get the point) ask how do i act respectful and submissive to my Dom. So those that claim to be submissive, do you really need to be trained to not smart off, act up, be disrespectful, break rules, etc? Shouldn’t that just come with being a decent human being?

I didn’t have to be trained to be a nice person to my Dom, to be respectful, to think of Him in my actions. I really don’t understand the need for this level of training, subs aren’t some wild beast that needs to be captured and trained in being a human. Maybe I’m missing something, but I don’t get it. So what are your thoughts on this? Experience in this? Questions?

If you know a sub who needs character training, we recently did a podcast on the subject. Please share it with them!
BDSM United Podcast

Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

There are things that NEED to be exact so we can all be on the same page, but not everything in this lifestyle needs to be textbook BDSM. There are parts of this lifestyle that can be adjusted to fit you and your dynamic’s needs. This can be due to health issues, injuries, triggers from abuse, and limits. Adjustments should NOT be made to make submission easier, it should be for when the task affects their mental or physical wellbeing.

Here are a few examples. I have a bad knee, so I can’t kneel for very long. My physical body limits my activities as a sub, sometimes. Does that mean I am not a good sub? Of course not. Kneeling is not something that all Doms require. Kneeling can be one of the many ways a sub can show submission, respect, love, loyalty, regret, embarrassment, humility etc. Adjustments can be made to allow the sub to kneel without actually kneeling. I could kneel on a pillow, sit on the floor, stand or sit in a chair with my eyes down. A Dom makes the adjustments to avoid harming Their sub or property while still getting served. Dom gets what they want, and the sub doesn’t feel they are lacking as a sub because of a physical or mental restriction. Understanding what kneeling means and why it happens can help you adjust the actions to get the desired results from kneeling.

Another example comes from a post in a group. This sub was asking if anyone ever felt uncomfortable putting on their play collar in front of their Dom. I’m using this as an example as it’s a perfect situation where an adjustment can be made to get the desired result. I suggested to the sub that communication needs to happen, to see if there is an issue they aren’t aware of, and then suggested to step up their protocols. Instead of standing there unsure of yourself, possibly naked, fumbling to buckle a collar, potentially ruining the subs mindset or the overall mood. Why not have the sub get the play collar (it’s a collar used in a scene, not the same a being collared), kneel while presenting the collar to their Dom, the Dom can remove the real/day/permanent collar (the collar that represents being owned) and puts the play collar on. A ritual will help everyone get into the mindset needed for the scene and to newbies it helps them feel “more BDSM”.

IF as a Dom, you feel your sub needs to feel confident about putting their play collar on in front of you, help guide them to the desired end result. Or if you feel they should kneel before you, make the necessary adjustments to ease their physical disability. Help solve the issue, and the dynamic will grow because of it. Demanding the sub do it the same way over and over without guidance until they get it right is abusing your power, and the opposite of being a Dominant.

The point of this is to show you that understanding why we do what we do, will help shape your dynamic to be successful and fulfilling. Sometimes a sub needs guidance, sometimes the sub is limited in what they can do so adjustments need to be made either way the change will help them blossom into a confident submissive.