BDSM derives from a combination of the letters B and D, for bondage and discipline (the elements of power exchange), and the letters S and M (also S/M or SM) for sadism and masochism (or sado-masochism). SM typically involves pain and/or humiliation. Fairly recently people noticed that the letters D and S in the middle can stand for Dominance and submission (D/s), so those letters are now incorporated into the overall explanation of the acronym BDSM.
For some, BDSM is about authority-based relationships—the giving or receiving of service that may or may not be sexual. For others, BDSM is about intensifying their sexual relations. For still others, BDSM is about losing themselves temporarily in intense sensations or unusual psychological states—even spiritual ones—resulting from bondage or pain play. Of course, there are also the edgy few who are drawn to pain-centered SM practices simply because they are so taboo within the mainstream culture. Moths to flames, as it were.
Because this can be a risky path to walk, those of us who have been living this way for a while try to get newcomers to slow down. “Take your time,” we say: “Go to classes. Find a mentor. Don’t get hooked up with the first Dom or sub that wants to have a relationship with you.” In my experience, though, hormones (and/or the excitement of very new things) take over early in a relationship and the newcomers ignore such advice. Jumping into the ocean can cause you to get your feelings hurt; you can get your body hurt. At the worst, you can become psychologically damaged. Take small steps and master the step before you move forward. You not only have your own well-being to consider, you have the well-being of the person you are playing with or the person you are embarking on a relationship with.
So, the first step is to find out enough to identify what you’re interested in.
- Do you have specific fantasies or fetishes you want to fulfill?
- In what role or roles do you see yourself?
- Do you want to experience intense physical sensations or give them?
- Do you want to serve others or to be served?
You can pick and choose, mix and match, combine until the cows come home. You can participate actively in BDSM whether or not you know your power dynamic (dominant or submissive) or whether or not you even like the physical SM activities (maybe you just like to watch). You may also play in this pond with or without sexual interaction, for while sex is assumed by many, sex is most certainly not assumed by others.
What a surprise! It’s a culture…and it will be as challenging to become comfortable here as it would be if you moved abroad. Similarly, you’ll adapt more easily to some aspects of our BDSM culture than others.
